We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize