Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You left your phone here
Wait...
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