I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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