Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize