But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
