Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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