Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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