The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
