dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
