just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
