I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i will never coherently bang her
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
