Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
