Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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