That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
