I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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