My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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