I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
