You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
