Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
