sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
