I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
