last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
