Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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