Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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