I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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