I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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