Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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