Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
