Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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