My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
