Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
