Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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