He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
