the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
