Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize