I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
