I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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