Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
