i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Your cock deserves a montage
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
