my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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