A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
