I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize