sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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