WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
