It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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