Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
