So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
