watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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