Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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