Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
