I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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