It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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