my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize