dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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