dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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