Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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