I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
