I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
