I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
