I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
