I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
