Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
