based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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