AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
