Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
