failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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